Thursday, 22 August 2013

Routine is good for minions #4

Here we come to the last chapter of my daily routine training of the minions. Such a hard job, it exhausts me just thinking about it! This is the evening part, I like the evening part, except when they decide they can leave me and go out. Luckily they don't do that very often. I taught them that if they leave me I get imaginative the next morning...

So, when we come back from the walk, mum always thinks that I am tired Yeah right. As if a mere 5km was tiring...really? So I ask to go into the garden with my best puppy eyes. Of course I sit for the door to open, of course I will only go out for a spot of toilet.... Here comes the ruuuuuun. At least 10 laps at full pace with grass and dirt flying everywhere, woohoooo. It is always becoming to stretch after one exercises, if you don't do that then the lactic acid builds up in the muscles and you get cramps... veryyyyy important to stretch the legs.

Blanky run around the garden...

Then of course I come back in, because it's a bit dark outside right now, and I'm sure there are weird monsters lurking in the dark. Sometimes I have to bark at them, but then the minions get flustered. Inside it is still very important to continue the stretching. Legs have been done so let's do the neck and back. Utensils are always useful. I use a big heavy knotted rope myself. And as mum doesn't do any stretching, tut tut tut baaaaad.... I have to make sure her muscles are relaxed. I employ the well known swedish technique (or somewhere round there, I don't know never been there!!) of bashing the muscles with the knotted rope. It works at it's best when the minion starts to squeal.
After all that exercise comes the bestest part of the day. They start preparing diner. I like diner. It gives me the opportunity to rehearse some of my drama acting for my next big Hollywood role. I conditioned the minions very quickly. They thought they were teaching me the "cafe settle", that is to lay down quietly if they go have a coffee with me outside. But that then gives me the opportunity to settle nicely like a "good boy" in the middle of the kitchen where all the action is (let's not forget the puppy eyes here).
And just in case it's not my fault if they can't walk properly and trip on me and drop some food. A quick ninja crawl and the food has disappeared, mwahahahahahahaha.

Helloooo, somebody forgot me?

I have remarked that I was getting a lot more bits of food when I was a baby though, that's not fair. They seem to think that now that I am grown up I am just begging. I need to correct that, I'm making a note of it here. I have needs me.... and also as said before, I have a high metabolism.... And I'm starving. Why do they have to eat first and do a different diner for me. They could give me a plate of what they prepare so that we all eat together. That would be more polite for a start... and then, if they really feel obliged to give me kibble, they can give me some for desert. I can share my kibble with them... Nan! joking, I'm not going to share my kibble, anyway mum tried it (don't ask!) and she didn't like it.

But they don't do my sharing idea, they just torture me by gorging themselves in front of me and not giving me anything. They always use the excuse that it's "too spicy", or it's "not for dogs", or whatever fake excuse they can think of at the time. Who says I don't like thai beef salad, that beef looks very tasty to me. And it's not those small red "chyly" things or that yellow "ginger" thing that's going to be a problem. And there's carrots and cucumber! I loooove carrots and cucumber. See! They are just mean.

But I've been working on mum, she is definitely the weakest link on the food thing. Dad has developed a complete deafness and blindness to my pleas. But mummy feels bad yipeeeee, so sometimes she cracks. And she keeps a bit of juicy meat for me. Not that it's the best part mind you, and not that it's big. She could definitely pass some more of it my way to save her scale.....

Give me some of your food!

Then when they are finished to pig themselves. They finally realise that I am starving, at death's door, barely able to move. As for the morning, they, at last, prepare my diner. I prefer when it's daddy doing it because he is a lot less insane than mum and we usually do tricks, like manly high fives and play the western shootout. Mum is all obedience, right-left-up-down-twirl-around-through, pffff booooring. She even gets me to reverse, straight and around her. I heard that she was going to try to get me to reverse weave through her legs, yeah right what am I a circus poodle?!?! I'm going to cut that one short by tripping her a few times, that will make her think about it...

After the tiny speck of food they call my diner, I spend a bit of "me" time in the garden, then I can finally relax on my bed in front of the fire. But I still need to keep guard for the monsters who pass in front of the house. I have a very important job, and there must be monster flies as well because when I bark or growl, daddy seems to clap his hands loud! Or maybe he is applauding me! Ohhh yes that must be that...
I've had to do a bit of a modified whiny growl lately because mum's not looking impressed when I clear my throat. I can't express myself. My art is being strangled!

I'm with my daddy :)

Hmmm, I feel a bit of a sleep coming, yawn. There must definitely be flies because dad's sometimes exclaims peewww and waves his hand in front of his face while looking at me. Those pesky flies must be annoying him. Anyway, I leave him with those flies, I can't do everything for him... and I still have a few things on my to do list for the day, hmmm let's see, ah yes to: roll on my comfy bed, tick. A little stretch, a little yawn, all is well. Let's watch telly. Zzzzzzz. NO I DON'T SNORE!!


That's it, I'm going to my real bed, and mum has to tuck me in with my blanky. Dad always leave a bit of a gap and there's a cold draft through... Night night everybody. Long day ahead tomorrow...

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